Teach Our Boys to Respect Women and Girls
An article titled “The Rise of Lonely, Single Men” was posted by Psychology Today recently, and I keep seeing it on Facebook. The bullet points include the fact that “[d]ating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as healthy relationship standards increase.”
Now, I don’t doubt this a bit with regard to *some* heterosexual men. I also don’t doubt that it is not because men are any worse than they were ten, twenty, or fifty years ago. In fact, I am quite certain that men have been evolving socially and, as a group, getting steadily better regarding treatment of women, simply because many men today have been reared by women who expect to be treated better than their mothers were, or even than they themselves were treated when they were younger. But, of course, that’s not everyone. Women are still frequently not only disrespected and discriminated against but abused and even murdered, with transgender women particularly likely to be victims of violence – four times as likely as cisgender women, according to the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law. Add in the fact that social blessing is given to violence, denigration, and generally dehumanizing behavior in the media, entertainment, social media, video games, and in our everyday lives, and it is no wonder treating women with respect in real life isn’t always the norm. There is simply no question that we need to teach our boys (and men, where possible) not only to treat all women with respect, but to call out other men when *they* fail to do so – every.single.time. Stories, jokes, media consumption, and actions that denigrate or dehumanize any woman should never be tolerated, and not because it makes it harder to get a date, but because it is wrong.
I find two of the responses to this story particularly concerning.
First, the social media post header “pray for the men”. I’m just going to assume this was written by a woman, because it feels, to me, more like something a woman would say, although I could certainly be wrong. So - why? Why should we pray for men who can’t meet “healthy relationship standards”? What good is that? It’s like sending thoughts and prayers after a mass shooting. Thoughts and prayers have never stopped a bullet and never will; nor will they find dates for troglodytes. Those men need attitude adjustment, whether that is accomplished through education, therapy, friends and family calling them out, whatever works, they need actual information and intervention, or the goal will never be achieved, to *everyone’s* detriment.
The second one, though, is a comment that is worse than ineffective. It’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing:
“You do understand that the fewer heterosexual men have partners, the fewer women will have too, right? It’s not that I’m against increasing standards. By all means that was necessary. However, we shouldn’t forget the seemingly causal link between the growth of ‘Single and lonely men’ and violence. Just look at the incels online.”
This was written by a man. I know that because his name was attached to it, unlike the previous quote. He gives lip service to the importance of “increasing standards”, but breaking the rest of the post down, there is, first, the assumption that if men are lonely, women will be too. This is not necessarily true, and it neatly ignores the fact that most women would rather be alone than in an unhealthy relationship – that they would be happier, safer and generally better off alone - and that not being in a relationship doesn’t have to mean living a loveless or sexless life.
The disturbing part is the belief that there is a “causal link” between women demanding healthy relationships and violence against women. I don’t believe this is ever true. The cause of that violence is mis- and undereducated boys and men. It is boys and men who have been taught that women are things, not people, to be used for and at their pleasure. It is boys and men who have learned, at home, at school, in the world at large, that they and their desires just matter more than any woman ever could. That what she does with her body is *his* choice - and believe me, I’ve seen that proclaimed in comments on the Brass Ovaries FB page.
The only way to change that attitude is to teach them differently, and stop tolerating male entitlement culture. The poster’s advice to “look at the incels online” is actually good, though. If you don’t believe that male entitlement is a danger to women, look incels up, particularly the nasty, misogynist coward that killed six people and injured fourteen others in Isla Vista, California in 2014. He stabbed, shot, and hit people with his car, then killed himself to avoid the consequences – all because he thought he deserved a “hot” girl and couldn’t “get” one (note the objectification). Other “incels” (involuntary celibates) look to him as a hero.
Let your representatives at every level know that you expect them to support women and legislation that protects and promotes them. Vote out politicians who do not respect women. Don’t consume media or products that denigrate women. Work for and promote equal rights for women - recognize, at home, at work, and at the ballot box, that *all* women deserve equality with men.
As always, the most important thing you can do is inform yourself and *vote*